The "Real" Parents

A while ago, a previous boss of my friend made a comment (or joke, he isn't sure which) that he'd rather adopt as you don't need to care as much about kids that aren't actually "yours."

I came from a very loving and supportive family, I have always known without a doubt that my family loved me. I'm often asked about returning to Korea and meeting my "real" parents, and I always reply with "No." I have my real parents, my real family, and I don't need to seek out anything more. But there's always that stage during the adoption cycle where the adoptee proclaims that their real parents would love them better, regardless of how loving and supportive their family actually is.

I'm a bit ashamed saying as much to my parents, as I'm sure many of us are after passing that stage in our lives. We often say such things to be hurtful. I already knew that my birth parents wouldn't love me better, but I was angry and my teenage rebelliousness knew that would hurt my parents the most.

I did move quickly past that sentiment, though, and this is why:

1) My birth parents are related. I don't know the specifics and we all know it isn't terribly uncommon for families to marry within each other, but it's apparent that whatever situation my birth parents were in, it wasn't ideal as I was immediately put up for adoption. I already know that they wouldn't want to see me, even if they secretly wished to, as I embody the shame and dishonor they brought upon their family.

My case is certainly unique, I haven't met many adoptees with a circumstance that doesn't allow them to second guess whether or not their birth parents wanted to keep them. Because of the circumstances of my birth, I didn't think about what ifs as all of them would be unrealistic.

2) My parents spent so much time and money in my adoption that there's no way they couldn't have been emotionally invested. Foreign adoption is not only expensive, but also very time consuming and intensive. My parents went through many reviews of not only their finances, but also evaluations of their home life and if they were individually suitable to be parents. I would find it incredibly invasive and demoralizing to allow someone else to determine if I'm fit to have a child.

3) My parents specifically picked me with full disclosure to the circumstances of my birth. They weren't looking for the perfect child to fit their perfect lives, but the one that they wanted to love and help the most.

4) My mother was hurt every time someone asked her why I haven't tried to contact my birth mother. She did her best to hide it and often asked me if I needed help arranging a trip to Korea, but I could tell she was deeply affected by the implication she was being unfair to me, as if she was keeping me from learning about myself-- essentially being a bad mother. I sat with her once, after a particularly heavy assault from her mother about my adoption, to talk about my feelings and thoughts about my birth mother. She hasn't asked me about returning to Korea since.

Do I judge those who feel finding their birth parents is important? No, your personal journey of coming to terms with yourself is your business, not mine. Sometimes we need to face our past in order to know how to move forward. Some of us need to return to Korea to see the orphanages and mothers waiting to give up their children to understand the privileges we gained by being adopted, or to gain a better understanding and appreciation of the culture we left behind.

There are many reasons to visit our past and where we come from. I'm not opposed to Korea, I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to visit the country and indulge in the culture. But I would never stop being American and I would never seek out the family I left behind as a baby. The best advice I can give to others is to remember who you are and where you came from, that your identity is more than where you were born and the womb you came from, and appreciate those who gave you the opportunity to make it this far.